What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 23:37
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was seconnd youngest,
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why would the United States need a fleet of the F-47 fighter jet fielded in the 2030s?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What do you love to do at night when you’re alone?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said he loves me, but why is it difficult for him to leave his wife?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was scared of men, in general
Im still living with it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i lived it daily.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I write beautiful poetry .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Comes on , in middle age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I said to her
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!